Demon's Diary
by Larkamai
Summary: Not to be confused with the Demon Diary manga, this fanfiction stars Chaos, (Vincent's main demon), and his diary, recording a week of adventures that Vincent experiences! A random fanfict... no flames, please, but otherwise, review!
1. Sunday

.:Sunday:.

Profiles

A/N: Key to reading: "Speaking" (Chaos' thoughts, if you will) My author notes, or small comments, to help all of you. Enjoy! )

"Ghosts and Ghouls! Vampires and Zombies! Mummies and Werewolves! I present to you – your host for the evening – THE DEMON CHAOS!"

Yes… this is Chaos writing. Chaos, the two-horned black-winged demon that represents all evil and calamity! The demon that torments the poor soul of that Bishie… Vincent.

Now you may be wondering – 'Why would Chaos write in a diary?! That's for prissy girls!'- and I will answer that question. The reason a great and mighty demon with an evil aura like me is writing in a diary, is because it really helps to vent my resentment and frustration at being inside a 'silently noble' type of person… and of course, Vincent's goody-good oath to 'naught hurt peepil cuz its baaad' (pronounced like a two-year old with a dozen missing teeth)

By the way, on Mondays, all Vincent does is sleep… so this is sort of an introduction of sorts, with better things to come!

Now to the venting. Firstly – why does Vincent have so many friggin' fan girls? They drool over him, make a bajillion crappy icons so you can't find the good ones, and WORST OF ALL, they have Vincent YAOI! I do not think I would let Vincent disgrace both him and in a lesser way me, by having SEX with another MAN! And the images! Some people seem to think that Vincent's a pervert! I would never dare allow anyone to house me in a pervert's body, so you better watch out.

Now there are going to be a lot of character references, so I better describe them for you.

CHARACTER PROFILES

VINCENT – That's my man – his love Lucrecia was killed, and he blames it all on him, of course. It really is a great way to torment him. "What a TRAGEDY, Vincent. I mean, WHO would let their LOVED ones DIE by an EVIL mad SCIENTIST? I mean, if **_I_** meet the man, MAN would he be crying for MERCY!" Nicknames he hates: Vinny, Valentine, Vinny the Vamp, Batman, DemonDude,

CLOUD – Cloud is sooo annoying! He ALWAYS has to be in the party, and he's psycho! Y'know, for SEPHIROTH to want to CONTROL him, he must be pretty weird. He has his own issues with Aeris – personally, I would go with Tifa, but hey, he can make his own decishuns. Chaos is an average speller Stupidest saying: "I don't even know what a reunion is!"

RED XIII – He was experimented on like Vincent, and they both don't talk a lot – when they do, everything they say is smart and reasonable. So, if you are like me, and want to go on a killing spree, do it away from Red and Vincent.

BARRET – He's big and strong, and says stupid things. The most memorable quote is "Cetra – that some kinda disease?!" Honestly! My god! EVERYONE knows what Cetra is! The one plus about Barret – a whole village was destroyed because of him, and they still haven't recovered! Yay for violence!

CID – He's a drunkard, always drinking vodka and doing crazy stunts, with a cigarette in his mouth. I've kinda grown fond of him, since he causes Vincent so much agony… although all the Yaoi is scary…

CAIT SITH – My nickname for him? Cat Shit! Hehehe… Anyways, Cait Sith is a cat on a moggle doll and he's one of those Benedict Arnolds for Shinra. I don't like backstabbers, 'cept when I do the stabbing in the backs. He's really annoying, speaking in that Southern accent of his… I'd like to roast him and eat him for dinner tonight!

YUFFIE – She's a materia thief that almost got raped by Don, proud and all. Yuffie's a midget, and is often seen with Vincent. Yuffentine stories (Yuffie and Vincent sitting in a tree) are alright… I guess

TIFA – She works in a bar, and has big boobs. That sums it up. Pretty girl around drunk men. Cloud and her used to be intimate… but then Aeris came in. Through Vincent (of course) I once saw Tifa with an Aeris voodoo doll. After Aeris' less-than-desirable-amount-of-gorey-death, she threw the doll away. I'm surprise Cloud hasn't taken her again.

AERIS – First of all, Aeris is dead. But she's talked about a lot, so I'm putting this in. Aeris was a sissy-prissy flower girl, and her and Cloud had the 'tragic love story' (YUCK! I HATE THOSE!) where one of them dies, and the other partner lives with grief. Yeah, yeah, nice and all… but I'm glad Aeris died. She was just another weakling.

Well… I've run out of space for today, but Vincent's going to the grocery store tomorrow, so I'm sure there'll be hell dished out!

-Demon Chaos

(I do not own Final Fantasy 7, Chaos, Vincent, or any of the other characters. This story is merely a view of events, people, and ideas, from Chaos's point. So don't be offended when he insulted Aeris – I liked her too. And next chapter, like he said, Hell will be served! Please Review… I like reviews you know… )

(This chapter might be bland . … I was never planning on having a 'Sunday', because I was lazy, but then I thought of putting this here instead of 'Monday' .)


	2. Monday

.:Monday:.

Hell At The Grocery Store

Okay, now to get to the action in this diary. Before I start telling you about our adventure to the grocery store, I must first tell you this.

You must have figured out that video game characters don't eat, lest ways they don't need to. Vincent is in the same boat. Except, after the game ended, and he started to live in his 'spooky' old mansion, the government said that he had to start living a normal life, including eating, otherwise the neighbors would go crazy and turn into rabid squirrels.

So last night, Vincent ate the last of the food. Y'know, he's really weird… he makes servings for two, and sets another plate with food across the table. At first, I thought it was for me, as a joke or something. But once I probed his mind, I found out that it was for Lucrecia! Man is he paranoid!

So Vincent was walking to the grocery store today. Everyone was staring at him, 'cause he's tall and spooky looking, and Vincent was shying away.

I took control of him for a moment, and went up to a little kid, mad glint in my and and all that stuff, raised my claw hand threateningly, and said 'Git awey bifor Ah eat yuu fer deener t'night!' For those of you that are incredibly stupid, I'll tell you what it means. It means "Get away before I eat you for diner tonight!"

Yeah, I scared that kid good, and Vincent was mad at me. Hell, you gotta have fun once in a while, otherwise life is pleasant, not disastrous! And WHO would want to live a PLEASANT life beats me!

So anyways, we got to the grocery store. It's called McBlandProducts (one word), a partner of McDonalds, McToilets (Port-A-Podies), McHospital, and McMall. So we went through the door and took a McCart. Vincent selected some 'McFruit' (supposedly grown by McBlandProducts himself), McMeat, McVeggies, and McEggs.

I really don't get why a guy would want everything in his store to start with the prefix Mc-. It's kinda paranoid – but not creepy at all. Me and Vincent, WE know CREEPY.

I told Vincent to buy some tomato soup, ketchup, sheep pork, garlic, and Tamato Juice – when he realized what I was hinting at, he just took a bouquet of flowers, for his precious Lucrecia.

We meet Yuffie there, buying some brown sugar, cakes, and the like, and I laughed – sinisterly, of course. I told Vincent "Let's get the Hell going already!" and Vincent sighed… a clichéd reply.

Yuffie ran up, and shouted "HEY, VINNY THE VAMPIRE! WASSUP! HEY! Do I see tomato soup, ketchup, sheep pork and garlic? How are you ever going to keep up your complexion for those rabid fangirls of yours?!"

Yuffie took Vincent's arm, and 'forcefully' led him to the McHealthy section, which is McAisle 3.

She turned to a McNutritionist, who then lectured Vincent on the 'McPortance' (importance) of eating McHealthy McBrandProducts. She recommended McVitamins, things like folacids and Vitamin B, L, U, and D. We all laughed at the hideously apparent vampire pun.

After a few long hours of pestering Vincent and wearing him down, he became tired enough from the combined efforts of me, Yuffie, and the McNutrionist (a girl named Scarlot, who we learned works for a daycare center and has 3 girls). I took control of Vincent's body, him screaming in horrible agony (a lovely sound that I cherish… his scream is like no other).

Everyone else then started screaming, seeing a two-horned black-winged EVIL DEMON THAT KICKS ASS (!), and they ran around like sheep. An appropriate simile, since I started biting their necks and sucking their blood, just raising the stereotype that Vincent's a vampire.

Yuffie eagerly shouted that she wanted her blood sucked, because apparently it raises your luck and fortune, and I willingfully obliged.

Inside me, Vincent groaned, worrying about all the clean-up that would be involved, as always, especially after I brutally mauled five 'innocent' people. It was bloody fun, to use that odd accent those Brits use.

Hey! Speaking of Brits, I heard this really funny joke. It goes like this: In Canada, we CAN a duh! We can do a duh! But those Brits…. They're ISH! Hahaha! I'm master of jokes!

Hey… does anyone know who British are, and what Canada is? I heard Hojo bragging about how he went to another world and all…

ANYWAYS, Vincent was getting a real nice hangover when he finally took control of his body. He went to the McCashier and paid for the goods, and then went outside with a McBlandProducts McBag full of… bland products!

There was an angry mob chasing him home… ah, how I had missed the sights and smells of the mob…

-Demon Chaos

(I do not own Final Fantasy 7 or any of its characters. Please review!)


	3. Tuesday

.:Tuesday:.

High-School Trauma, Part One

High-school is interesting. Fangirls, evil teachers, vampire principles, food poisoning – hehehe – I'm getting ahead of myself.

Today, Vincent went to high-school. Why? Well, because the 'high-school' is more of a slave encampment, but we didn't know that at the time. Apparently age doesn't matter for the 'high-school' guise. So anyways, I annoyed Vincent at the bus stop, pointing out why he should kill each kid there.

_-Fatty over there? Yeah, he looks like he would be tasty. And that girl, if you killed her, you might prevent 'Oops I Did It Again' getting stuck in your head. See the queer kid, the one with the big head? Yeah, he has that weird strand of hair zigzagging behind him, and is wearing a black coat. He's a freak… believes aliens are trying to take over the world. Do we REALLY need someone like him to… TAINT human and demonic society? No. And those two old men in the corner… we don't need to hear redneck and hillbilly songs on the bus!-_

Yes, 'the one with the big head' is actually Dib… from somewhere. Lame, but yeah. Hojo say he's from 'the Invader Zim'… whoever that is. Hojo knows a lot of weird stuff (but he probably makes it all up), although it is still fun to talk with him over a 'cuppa teeea', as those Mideel-ians say. Invader Zim is an anime DVD 

What DO people of Mideel call themselves? Mideelan? Mideelish? Mideelench? Mideelicans? Peeeeeeepull? Oh well. My personal favorites – Nibelheimicans and Wutai'ins!

Any how, the bus came. All the school children ran onto the bus, talking about dumb stuff like last's night homework, and "Oh m gosh! Did YOU know that Lizzie's, like, going out with Fred?! I didn't know that, like, she broke up, with like, Bawb! Like, what a scandal!"

Stupid little children… I can't wait for the day of their extinction.

All the kids on the bus sang "The teachers want to kill us all! To our dooms! Yay for brain washin'! The food is poisoned what and all! Let's waste our lives on homework!" (To the tune of 'The Wheels on the Bus go Round and Round')

We finally arrived at **Eebil's Brainwashing Teaching Academy for All Young and Tasty Able High-Schoolers!** It looks like a prison – the walls are seventy feet high with multiple layers of barbed wire on top, and thirty feet deep (no hope of digging through THAT granite!). Inside, you pass through a few not-as-thick walls, all heavily guarded with police women, jeeps, and heavy artillery. Then there's the watch towers and spot-lights crisscrossing the grounds, void of grass or other life. The main building, at least 700 yards far from every wall, is a towering complex that one can easily get lost in, with a labyrinth of hallways with the only way out being via secret passageways. There are at least 10 security cameras per room, and as many awake guards watching on the other end. No windows or bars are permitted anywhere in the complex.

Another thing I noticed – no busses go out. They just go in. Vincent has been sent to HIS DOOM! I'm happy, of course!

So when we were escorted off of the bus (the steps ended in a door… we didn't even see daylight at all! ) we were sent into a small chamber to the side. An ugly old lady stood waiting for us, wearing a black robe and long brown hair.

No, wait – it's an ugly old GUY!

"I am one of the teachers here at Eebil's Academy, Professor Vexen. The reason you are in this room, is to learn the standard rules of Eebil's Academy, and more indirectly, become wiser like us smart adults.

"Rules: You will always address your elders as 'Sir' or 'Professor' with the appropriate suffix ending. You will never be tardy for class, or skip class for that matter. When food is served, you eat it all, and in silence. No food-fights will be allowed. Food is a necessity, but also a privilege that we may take away from you. Sleep also. You will sleep when we say to, and not partake in pillow-fights or the like. When we repeat the Morning Thanks, you will repeat it with everyone else. You will not turn in incomplete or tardy homework. No fangirls or fanclubs of any kind. And when addressing The Master, you address him as 'You Eebilness,'

"Failure to comply with the basic rules listed and explained above will result in punishment. The punishment varies case to case, and is decided by the teacher of the class. Punishments vary from humiliation, to more work, to privileges like food and water taken away. They may even turn into torture, slavery, mutation, and death. Does the class understand?"

The class stares wide-eyed in fear at Vexen.

Vexen sighs without emotion. "It seems that we have a misunderstanding. When I ask you a question, you all answer the question. Say 'We understand, Professor Vexen' now."

The class replies "We understand, Professor Vexen."

"Good." Vexen's compliment seems more like giving them sewage for supper, but it is better than nothing. "Now you will all be sent to the Great Hall where you will bow to your Master and receive further instruction. Guards! Chain class 666 together!"

Yes… 666 as in the devil's number… HOW IRONIC! HAHAHA!

Guards come in, and they chain everyone together, clamping 'handcuffs' on the necks of the children, and Vincent included.

Vexen nods with approval. "You are Class 666. You have the liberty of being chained together, so no one escapes. The chains are placed at your neck so that they can not be removed. Guards! Take them to the Great Hall and The Eebil Master!" credited to 'Eebil Daddy'! 

Class 666 is taken away. They enter a huge dome-like room, seemingly carved into the ground. It is lit by glowing orbs, since there is no other apparent light source. The class, about 26 kids, all form a line before an altar 10 feet up.

"BOW TO THE MASTER, EEBIL AS HE IS! BOW, RAG-CHILDREN! YOUR MASTER APPROACHES!" The voice booms out of a cleverly hidden amplifier. The students bow on the ground. Those that don't are shoved down by electrical spears from the guards, who then kneel.

The shadows in the room are on the altar, since all the glow-orbs (like torches… but different) are on the far away walls. The shadows start to move, growing into a pile of darkness. They gather and take form, turning into a demon very similar to myself, minus a handsome tail, and bigger horns. The demon is quite interesting. Since he is made of shadows, half the time, it looks like his eyes and teeth are only there, or that he's missing an arm and leg, since they all blend with the shadows behind him.

"**Bow to your Master, you UnGrateful _rags!_ Bow to Him!"** The demon bares his teeth menacingly, and speaks in a low growl. Class 666 bowed, and those who didn't satisfy the guards meet the electric spears of doom.

"**Your Master has taken you UnGrateful rags in, when He could have chosen not to! He has spared your Lives, so your Lives are now in His Hands, to do as He Sees fit. Now Repeat the Morning Thanks. You will notice that your Master has Taught it to you rags, using His Demonic Powers. CHANT!"**

The kids follow suit, even Vincent, chanting to the tyrannical demon.

"Thank you, Our Master,

You saved our Lives,

Pathetic as they may be.

Thank you, Our Master,

You provide food and nourishment,

Water and sleep.

Thank you, Our Master,

For bestowing upon us,

Your great Knowledge and Skill

Our Mighty Master,

Eebil and Demonic,

Who kills with will

Thank you, Our Master,

For sparing our Pathetic Lives"

"**Good, good. It seems that you are obedient ones. You have pleased me, and therefore receive sleep as a reward. You will be shown to your meager room shortly. As custom for new arrivals, you shall not eat or drink tonight. Only the strong may survive here."**

"AY! WHY DO WE GOTTA LISSEN T' SUM SMART ASS FER TH' REST OF OUR LIVES?! I WANT SUM WATER – NO ONE'G GUNNA TELL ME IF I CIN HAVE IT OR NOT!" A small kid speaks.

"**WHO AMONG YOU DARE TO DEFY YOUR MASTER?!" **His Eebilness yells.

(I think I'll have Vincent escape this place tomorrow… in PART TWO! I kinda like 'His Eebilness'… wonder what his number is… )

-Demon Chaos

(I do not own FF7, Invader Zim, and Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, any of their characters, or anything like that. I do recommend that everyone reading this sees Invader Zim at one point or another, and plays Chain of Memories... R&R)


	4. Wednesday

.:Wednesday:.

Carnival… or CarKNEEval!

Vincent had just woken up, and was eating Cheerios… (hehe… **Cheer**ios. hehe…) when he heard a loud smash. "SHIT!" A few moments later, the door blasted open, and Yuffie and Tifa strode in. "Sorry 'bout the window! Y-you aren't gonna hurt me, are you, Vinnie!" Yuffie clutches her hands to her face, hopping on her feet as if the ground were lava or something.

Vincent sighed. "It's Vincent." Yes, he's maybe said that for the umpteenth time… however long THAT is…

Yuffie ignored the remark, and calmed down as she saw that Vincent meant no harm. "Y'know, I DID break the window. I broke it on PURPOSE. ..Y-_Yeah_."

"Hello Vincent!" Tifa walks over the charred door. "Oh, about the door, Yuffie used Fire3 on it on accident… we'll buy a new one."

"NO WE WON'T!" Yuffie, enraged, glares at Tifa, telling her with her eyes to be quite.

"You don't need to buy me my …66th door." Vincent sighs inwardly.

Y'know, it REALLY bothers me how Vincent always 'sighs this' and 'sighs that'. GEEZ! Why not shrug, or GET ANGRY, or make Yuffie buy a new door! He's such a softie and it bothers me! RRRRR!

Anyways, Tifa was telling Vincent that they all wanted to go to the Carnival. Of course, Vincent, being 'the angsty bishie', couldn't go, creating the drama of the day.

"Oh, come on Vincent! What's the worst that could happen?" Tifa pleads.

"Yeah! Are you scared of roller coasters or something? I'm not!" Yuffie twirls her Shuriken around.

"You can't even go on a roller coaster…" Vincent points out.

"SHUTTUP! I'LL GO ON A ROLLER COASTER TODAY! AND YOU'LL WATCH ME!" Yuffie grabs Vincent, and attempts to drag him away, but it fails. "Come ON!" She yells, cusses, and does a few funny gestures.

Finally Vincent – with a sigh, _of course_ – decides to go to the carnival with the two girls, just so they'd leave him alone… if that makes any sense.

(I feel like writing present tense… I mean, I AM writing this as they speak, not later at night, like I usually do.)

After a half-hour walk, at which every squirrel is pointed at by Yuffie, and every cute boy has Tifa's number, the three friends arrive at **McBarphaluts' Crrrazy Carkneeval**. "McBarf-a-lot's Crazy Carnival?" Vincent sighs, knowing the place, and its affinity for killing its customers. Yes, I said killing. Its customers.

"It's McBarphaluts' Crrrazy Carkneeval! Say it, don't spray it!" Yuffie says matter-of-factly.

"'AY! IT'S #(&)# VINCENT, )#(& YUFFIE, AND TIFA! )!(&#(#&!" Cid waves a beer-hugging hand at the three, and Vincent notices Cloud, Cait Sith, and Barret at a table with Cid.

Cait Sith squeaks. "Now we cin aaaall have fon! Evrywun's heah!"

"Where is Nanaki?" Vincent asks, as the red beast isn't there.

"Nanaki?" Cloud looks up from his nachos and laughs. "Nanaki is getting more cotton candy… he loves the stuff!"

Barret glances at Cloud. "AY! YOU GOT MAH NASHOS!"

"It's nachos, Barret, not naSHows!" Yuffie sighs and shakes her head.

"THEY IS NASHOS, YOUFFY! AND NASHOS IS YUMMY! ANNYWUN GOWT SUM HAWTDAWGS WITH KAYCHUP! I FEEL HUUUUUUNGRY LIKE A GOREELLA! YUM YUM! RAAAAWR!"

Everyone stares at Barret, as security takes him away. "AY! CLOWD STILL GOTS M' NASHOS! SECURITY! THEFT! THEFT! 'EE TOOK MAH NASHOS!"

Red XIII comes in time to see Barret being taken away. "What's going on!" He has a big grin on his face, and is eating some pink cotton candy with delight. "Mm! This cloud-like candy is exceptional!"

"Barret's being taken away for being a looooooud mouth." Yuffie says, in a tattletale voice.

"Yuffie…" Tifa says, a mother's reprimand in her voice.

All of a sudden, a loud voice booms over the speaker. "**hello. i am McBarphalut's, and welcum to McBarphaluts' Crrrazy Carkneeval."**

'He has bad spelling when he SPEAKS?' Cloud whispers with awe.

"**we all hope that you will enjoy your stay here. if you don't, we will kill you and torture you. you will be killed quickly, and without pain, if you enjoy your stay and look happy on the cameras that will be sent to the shinra people, that give me funding. now, anyone over 6 feet tall will be taken away, because you guys cant go on the rides, and we don't want moopy people standing around at the picnic tables. You will be all summoned at the Eating Gallery in one hour. ENJOY YOUR STAY AT McBARPHALUTS' CRRRRRRRAZY CARKNEEVAL!"** The last line is said with happiness, while guards come into view.

Before Vincent can do anything, the nine-foot tall guards grab him roughly and chain him into a chain gang, kind like at McEebil's Academy. They drag him, and everyone else 6 feet, away into a dark dungeon near the Eating Gallery, in the center of the carnival.

"This is an amusement park, not a carnival…" Vincent mutters.

But a guard heard him. "'Ay! Does ay-mouse-mint start with a 'c'? Nuh-uh. Car-knee-val does, so this is a car-knee-val. Also, we eat yuu here, we don't ay-mouse-you. We cin be sewed fer mis-add-verr-ty-zing, yuu know."

I took control of Vincent, and he turned into none other than the dashing demon, ME!

Once the transformation was done, I broke the chains shackling me with my powerful claws, and turned on the guards. They were fat and purple, but still tasted as good as buffalo… or sheep.

Flying over the carnival, I destroyed it with my fire-spewing abilities. Amazingly, Tifa, Cloud, Yuffie, Barret, Red XIII, Cid, and Cait Sith all survived. That night, I bought a really cool pimp hat off of some small red mage, and had lamb for dinner.

Demon Chaos

(I do not own FF7 or any of its characters)


	5. Thursday

.:Thursday:.

Helping People Day

A/N: There is a problem with the Wednesday chapter, so I'll get it up soon, I apologize. 

Today is 'Help People Day' – can you BELIEVE those humans, making such a stupid holiday? People are giving out free slices of meat, giving their neighbors burnt fruitcakes, and singing the horrible 'Helping Song'.

If I write it down, maybe it won't be stuck in my head anymore…

Chorus:

O helping, O helping, help, help, helping,

O helping, O helping, help, help, helping,

Heeeellllpiiiing!

Song:

Chorus

Help old grandma cross th' street

Buy cookies from ev'ry boyscout y'meet!

Be nice and courteous, spiffy and neat

Give out large gen'rous mounds of meat!

Chorus

Tread carefully 'round the bus

Do not swear or god forbid cuss!

Be friendly and nice and do discuss

For simple things and big, don't go round and fuss

Chorus

No one is wrong and all is right

No fights, arguments, or even a bite!

To all far away relatives, letters please write

Play together, have none labeled as an 'oversight'

Chorus

Buy cookies from ev'ry boyscout y'meet!

Do not swear or god forbid cuss!

No one is wrong and all is right

No fights, arguments, or even a bite!

Horrid little song! Some of the lines don't even make sense! I shudder even now!

Anyways, Vincent was stuck helping people today. I LAUGH AT HIM! HAHAHAHAHAAA! AHAHAHAHAA!

First, he tried crossing a sickly old lady across the ten-landed rush today, at the crossroads fondly dubbed "Suicide Street". He approached her slowly, and put on his least spooky appearance.

"Do you need help crossing the street?" Vincent politely asked (Hate that word! Poh-liiiiiite my ass!)

"NEEW THANKYEH! AH THINK AH CIN CROSS MAHSELF, YEW LEEIL (little) PEHVERT! STOP STALKIN' MEH! YEEEW AIN'T GONNA STEEL MAH RETAHREMENT MUNEY! AHM'S A GONNA CALL THEM COPPERS ON YOU, LADDY BOY! AH DON' NEED NO CREEPY SPOOK-MAN'S HILP TAH DEW A SEEMPIL STREET-CROSSIN' 'CROSS A DIRT ROAD, THANKYEH VERRRY MOOCH! AYE, GIT AWAY WID YE, GIT AWAY!" Yes, the broad was a Southern girl from Mideel (Hojo says it's Scottchish or something…).

"YEW WATCH MEH! AH'LL CROSS ME'SELF 'CROSS THIS TINY OL' PATCH O' DIRT! YEW SHUDDA SEEN THA ROADS EEN THE OLDEN DAYS… AYE, THE OLDEN DAYS WHEN A LAYDY WUZ A LAYDY, AND A LAYDY WUZZN'T SUMTHIN' TA STEEL FRUM! AYE, THEM COPPERS, THEY'S A-GONNA GIT YEH GOOD FER MOLISTASHUN, SEXA'WUL MOLISTAYSHUN, HARESSMENT, SEXA'WUL HARESSMENT, THEEFT, SEXA'WUL THEEFT, ROBB'RY, SEXA'WUL ROBB'RY, GRAN' ROBB'RY, SEXA'WUL GRAN' ROBB'RY, PERVERTNESS, SEXA'WUL PERVERTNESS, STAWKIN', SEXA'WUL STAWKIN', BEIN' A SMART ESS (ass), AN' FER BE-IN' ANNOYIN' LIKE A GRIT OL' MONSTAH! AY, A GRIIIT MONSTAH!" The old lady shook her cane at us, and I laughed inwardly.

"Okay, I was just trying to be of help. I'll be on my way now… um… 'Happy Helping and Sunny Day'?..."

"HITTIN' AN' SUM RUNNIN', AYE? AH KNEW YER PLAN NOW, LASSIE BOY! YEW PLAN T' PRETEND T' WALK AWEH, AN' THEN YEH'LL HIT MEH AND RUN AWEH WID MAH RETAHREMENT MUNEY! AH'M A CALLIN' THEM COPPER BOYS WID MAH NEW-FANGLED SILL PHONE, LASSIE BOY! THIS'LL BE TH' LAST TIME YEW SMUGGLE AN' RAPE A POOR, DEFENSELISS LASSIE LIKE MAHSELF, YEW GRIT PERVERT-MONSTAH-SPOOK-MAN, YEW…!

The sickly old lady tries to dial the police. "821…? OR IS EET 003? AH DON'T RAMEMBER, PROBABLY ON ACCOUNT OF YER RAPIN' OF MEH, LASSIE BOY! CALL THEM COPPERS NOW, AN' TELL THEM T' CUM RIGHT AWEH HERE, ON ACCOUNT OF AN OLD LAYDY WHAT BEEN RAPED, MOLESTED, STAWKED, ANNOYED, AND SEXA'WULLY ASSALTED! AYE, DIAL AWEH NOW, LIKE A GUDD BOY!"

The lady thrusts the cell phone at Vincent. He sighs, and dials 9-1-1. (What a stupid number! I'd have everyone call 4-3-5-5, standing for H-E-L-L! I'm a genious!) "Hello? Uh yes, I'd like to report an old lady, being… raped, molested, stalked, annoyed, and sexually assaulted. The man? Oh… he is about 7 feet tall, and wears a lot of red. Everyone… sigh everyone says that he's a… twitch vampire. Oh… uh, you're welcome… okay… bye."

Oh how hilarious, Vincent giving out his profile and turning himself in. I laughed so hard, I was split into 18 parts!

"AH'M GUNNA WAIT ON' TH' OTHA SIDE OF THIS HEAH TINY PATCH O' DIRT, ON ACCOUNT O' YER HISTORY OF MURDER AND MUTILASHUN!" The old lady hits Vincent on the head with her cane.

Vincent sighed, knowing that she was making it up. As the sickly old lady started to cross the street, she fell over, having a seizure. Vincent didn't see, thank the devil, but he did hear the loud splat, the crunch – oh and the snapping, the WONDERFUL SNAPPING – the screams, screeches, shouts, and shrieks. Yeah, the broad got ran over by a garbage truck.

And then, for some reason, just like in the song, millions of boyscouts flocked to Vincent.

"WANNA BUY COOKIES?!"

"MOLLY IS MURDERED MUFFINS, MM-MM MAAAAHVELOUS!"

"CHOC'LIT CHIP COOKIES – NICE 'N' CRUNCHY!"

"YOU'LL BUY COOKIES?! MONEY GOES TO THOSE POOR ORPHANS THAT DIE EVERY SECOND! EVERY SECOND THEY DIE, UNLESS YOU BUY HUNDRED OF COOKIES!!!"

"I…" Vincent started to say. But I, the demonic devil I am, took over – he couldn't prevent it, overwhelmed by fat pudgy kids he was.

"I don't need any damn cookies! Gimme some MEAT! BOYSCOUT MEAT!" I waved Vincent's claw arm threateningly, and made the slightest transformation of Vincent's body. With his scream of unbearable agony fueling me, I made Chaos Horns© come out of his head – all the kids ran screaming as blood flowed down Vincent's hair. He came back in control, and his eyes were wide-open with shock and agony as the horns grew back in his head.

All the happy music stopped then.

The 'Helping Song' hung in limbo, suspended on the last line sung, "Be nice and courteous, spiffy and neat"

Grandmas stopped where they were, and were ahem 'accidentally' ran over by 'unaware drivers observing Vincent', who just _happened_ to be their son-in-laws.

Mounds of smelly meat dropped from the hands of civilians, to be flocked on by pigeons that stared at Vincent.

And playing stopped.

All the grownups looked from the bloody and shaking Vincent, over to the shivering and fearful, innocent boyscout. They growled, hissed, roared, trumpeted, baaed, croaked, shrieked, rumbled, grumbled - and made cicada noises – as they took out pitchforks and flamed torches.

Then the parents chased Vincent home, stabbing him. Black Mage was there… shout-chanting 'STABBITY DOOM! STABBITY DOOM!"

Vincent let them stab him frequently, 'repenting' for scaring the hell out of those boy scouts, that is, until I cam out and gobbled the townsfolk aaaaaaall up, like sheep.

Sheep taste good, you know!

-Demon Chaos

(I do not own FF7 or any of its characters – Please Review! )


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